I don’t often go to a temple
Neither to a
A mosque nor
A church
But recently, I went
To a temple
Not too far
But the one at my home itself;
The face-off with God was awkward
I have to say.
Like meeting an
Old lover.
So I cut straight to the chase
And asked –
“Why god why? Why me?
Why must I suffer through this misery?!”
With folded hands,
I Waited for an answer,
a revelation, perhaps.
Minutes passed,
No one spoke
Absolutely none of the statues moved-
Neither the hibiscus nor the marigold
Fell in front of me.
Devoid of all hope,
I desperately needed a sign.
More like a cosmic intervention.
For I felt stuck in a
turbulent-
pitch-dark-storm
with no way forward.
But, nothing happened.
Call it blasphemous,
but it was at this point
I wanted to almost unhinge the temple,
slam it on the floor.
Smash Their smiling faces
Into tiny little pieces
Perhaps then the Gods will talk.
Because they were quiet
As a stone. Hah!
Soon enough, the anger passed
but the weakness remained.
I lay down, right there.
My warm cheek pressed
against the cold floor
In a fetal position
And I said-
"Look, You got me.
The girl who never prayed.
Here I am kneeling
before You the
Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.
Now Please Tell me-
Why me?
because I did everything by the book.
I didn’t deserve this.
I need an answer.
A reason to go on."
I lay there for
I don’t know how long
Like a wounded animal
Only wanting to be relieved of
her misery.
Wondering why people
Are so scared of death after all.
And then,
as I studied my floor
I realized that
Perhaps,
The answer is in the silence itself
The quietness of the air
The stillness of the flowers
The motionless figurines
Because you see
I had never raised
this question earlier-
when life was all rainbows and unicorns
and someone else that I knew of
was suffering.
Never had I once wondered then, "Why Them?"
I had taken it to be a stroke of bad luck,
something unfortunate, and said
"Oh, I'm so sorry"
And went on with my life.
Never had I once wondered then, "Why Them?"
When self-absorbed
I had strutted around
Like an
Entitled-
Little-
Snob.
-
Why Me? -Revised
-
To live is to, Not give up
To live is to go on,
pick up where you left-
2 years ago or few years ago.
Because what else would you rather do
Than to relentlessly chase your dreams
Yet you ask,
“What if i fall?
But my darling,
What if you fly?”//Picking up where I left after 1 year 7 months
-
Always waiting
Sitting in the future;
That I prayed for
decades ago-
Was it 15
10
8
5
Or perhaps a year back,
Or was it yesterday?Sitting in the future;
From a continuum of days
When I was livin’ on a prayer-
Broken only by a streak of blur
of futile undertakings;
Assured
Of the providence of fate.Have no doubts,
The promises came true.
The seeds planted-
Grew into trees,
Blossomed into flowers,
And bore fruits-
Sweet as sugar,
ripe as June.But the shade thick as a brick
Doesn’t block the sun,
The storm,
Or the rainAnd
The fruits are fruits-
The taste doesn’t latch to the tongue
But fades
Quicker than one imagined.And the flowers wither.
Sitting in the future,
Under the tree.
The grass under my feet
Is wet from nostalgia,
that lurks in vicinity
“Tread carefully,” a voice calls out.Fireflies light up the night,
More than stars ever could.
The earthly breeze sifts through my hair,
But I don’t noticeFor I am
Sitting in the future,
Under the tree I planted
Decades ago;
Waiting for tomorrow to come.
-
Mountain
I want to be a Mountain. Allowing that river to flow through me And those plants to grow on me. I want to be the highest yet grounded. So stern that no force living can move me. I want to be so vast That any man who chooses to Cross me Thinks twice Blinks thrice. I want to proudly wear my Steepness like a crown one adorns when they reach the summit. And just once in a while I will let you walk All over me Grow on me Feed off me. Let you kiss me- Like the spread of sun light. I too will allow you to be intoxicated by my beauty. Let you feel like you own me you conquered me. I will sit still as you pass through me and pass you will until gone assured that you have learned of my curves and ups and down. And pass you will until gone for no one ever stayed too long. Unless, buried. I will sit still I will stand tall until the next traveller comes along.
-
🌻
A shadow engulfs
My heart
When i remember
The sunshine
My lover wasAnd like a little girl
Off i went
Running in the parkMother said,
Come back, before it gets dark.But I was gone too far.
I was helpless.
For one doesn’t
Escape the sunlight.
One can only surrender
And so I did,
I ceded.Threw in the towel,
And lay down on it.Soaking in the golden sun
With every inch of me
Drowsed by the fondness
Of the tempest heart,
Raging to be devoured.I don’t know
how long
I lay there
I wish it were a lifetime
Because when I woke up
It was dark, and
Winter had arrivedAnd now,
the night doesn’t end.
-
Cotton Candies In the Sky
Cotton candies in the sky
Have been luring me
For a while
Whenever I look up
They are looking back at me
White, yellow, pink.
So devoted,
Damn, so divine.
Cotton candies in the sky
Have been enticing me
To come closer to them.
To get a taste.
To dare and come find them
And right there it is
So I decide to follow
I mean, how could I not?
I see a mountain
that my eyes know for real
is kissing the
Spiralling golden sea
moving silently
above my head.
The mountain is steep.
Yet I begin
to ascend.
Certain that the climb will be worth my while.
As I reach closer
I see it becoming slated
Readying itself
To greet me
To meet me
seductively draping itself
in a net of lights
Burning to unite.
Demanding me
to move faster
So I let it own me
like I never belonged
anywhere else.
And I rise
like a high tide.
Only to find out
It was all a tease
A ruse
Laid down very well to show me
what I can have
And what I cannot.
Cotton candies in the sky
Concealing a world
That some arrogant men
claim they know about
through ‘theories’
only wildly imagined,
Challenging their egos
Cotton candies in the sky
Changing everyday
Shifting and drifting
Shapeless yet constant
Hiding secrets I cannot see.
I will never see.
Till I cross over to the other side.
-
be careful what you wish for – not a cliche
In the standstill car On a congested road I’d agitatedly change all the channels on the radio Only one wish on my lips Fucking traffic, why did it exist? Could it not just..disappear? I want to reach home I want all other cars to cease and desist. 45 minutes later I would reach home Where friends and Friends of friends have yet again gathered To overcome What is called a mid-week slump With cheap wine and take out food Same as the one we drank to beat the Monday blues Not to forget the weekend celebration Before that. And out loud i’d wonder 'Don't we have anything better to do?' And of course we don’t sleep on time We refuse to behave like adults “Adults are boring” So we sleep at 2 or 4 or Not at all. It doesn’t matter The sun is up and It’s time to roll We’d reach office Late or hung over Or on time just some times Wishing We didn’t have to come to work at all Wishing we didn’t have to interrupt The ball that was Last night. (lame) Fuck you, office The small talk The politics The smug boss. Yes thanks for paying the bills But still fuck you. Wishing if only there was enough time. empty hours Woven into endlessness to read all the books, To relish all the films English, Hindi and Korean And to be able to Just stay at home, Not because it’s a vacation But to actually live and Observe the eccentricities Known as parents Maybe even Raise a pet, who knows? and oh! Look! Magic. the traffic has gone The roads are deserted- Like no humans ever walked The surface of the World’s 2nd largest populated nation. And I must not go to office Neither today Nor in the foreseeable future. And I can’t remember The last time my friends gathered To celebrate a festival, let alone a “mid-week slump”. Hell, I even got a pet But There’s always a but In a magic trick gone wrong The not so pretty #BTS See, the hospitals are full So are the graveyards And the roads are deserted Because humans are in hiding From something their eyes can’t even see Let alone fathom And it’s got us good And while we sit in this tunnel on never ending time We have devoured all the books And movies - English, Hindi, Korean and French Yet mental health is only Something we read about in books. The roads are deserted because Most of the humanity is either doomed, dead or depressed. No it’s not a joke It’s definitely not funny. It’s true what that Greek old man once said- Be careful what you wish for.
-
Seize The Day
It’s about 930PM
Around the same time
My mother calls up her sister
Everyday, without fail
To tell her about her day
And to know about hers.
an ancient habit
ironclad over a span of
Decades.But today my mother
Just looks at her phone and
Fiddles with it
And then she opens her messages
To go through the old conversations
And pictures that my maa-si had shared
Of food and deities and weddings
and about the precautions one should take
to avoid Covid-
social distancing and all, you see.
ha-ha.
Followed by a string of “good morning” messages
with little pearls of wisdom affixed to them,
that surprising do not seem so lame anymore
especially now,
that she’s gone.
“seize the day”
the last one reads.Everyone has been quietly
doing their chores
as we don’t go to anyone’s homes anymore.
even if they are loved ones
or if it’s the last good bye.
So, Everyone has been quietly
doing their chores
between office calls and scrubbing floors
Adamant to put on a brave face
That we are not alone.
That’s why it’s called a pandemic
Which has spiralled out of control.
But no.
That’s not helping right now.
Yes, we know a child died
And a teenager
And his uncle
And her aunt
And their sister.
Yes we know
The crematoriums are
on fire non-stop.
But today we don’t care
We are..numb till our bones
with a despondency
hard to shake offand the eyes
are tired
yet sleepless
and vacant
from the things that they have seen
that can’t be unseenoh hey, here’s an idea for the
establishment
which might help with the scarcity of
resources
how about we build a wall?
from the pile of bodies
rotting outside the hospitals and graveyards
it would be high and thick enough
to ward off the virus.
Table for discussion?
But no, we haven’t cried yet
for we don’t know
How to feel anymore.
Are we scared
or sad
or anxious
Or angry
-a state of mindless pensiveness.
A melancholy so present
That it has become the being itself;
a squiggle
Across a page with no end or beginning.
It’s hard to say.And then the phone rings
Interrupting our reverie
And a chill goes down my spine,
and i wonder-
What if it’s another death news?
but no, it’s just another helpless cry for a
bed,
or was it oxygen or a ventilator
– I seriously cannot keep a count anymore.Written in the loving memory of my maasi. I know she’s in a better place now.
Shivi Writes 